Photo of dirt, by me. Me punching you and throwing you in the ditch, all me. The septic tank has a pleasant aroma. This headache is sponsored by me. I’m the plague of your dreams, the filth you hold close and know so intimately. I take the dye outta your tie. You’ll sit with me in front of a television with your eyes glued to it for a caffeine of days worth of ransom dollars even you’re paying me like I’m great to be with like your best leg caught in a machine. Good memories of that leg. Better days ahead without it.
Allergies are killing me. It is a microscopic conspiracy. I can barely chirp a line out but life is otherwise grand, quiet, slow moving, and thoughtful. I feel a grace. Gratitude. Gladness.
All the pictures peel off the wall and I don’t bother to reinstate them. It is going to be a good year.
What you start and end with is consciousness. And you have your decision in front of you. Where should I take consciousness today? You can either go out onto rope bridges and shootouts in the streets, conduct yourself in interviews to discuss ideas or sell your wares, or you can stay out of the rain, stay inside, keep inside your head, tell yourself things true or untrue, turn on more stories on screens, on the page, on the airwaves… But you will end with who you are, changed for better or worse in the ocean of consciousness. Some, in open space, choose to pass the time by chanting hymns and mantras, and I confess it’s probably a better way. Others talk out their problems like a broken record for advice and reassurance. Are they, are these people big enough to tell you the truth you need to hear?
When you are not safe, not well, insecure, afraid… You kick and scream and hurt others around you. Not everyone does this, but most. You see it on and off stage. Some crawl up to the stage even when not asked to come to the stage and make absolute fools of themselves. Is that the kind of attention you want to draw to yourself? Any attention is better than no attention, you may answer. I would rather fall off the map first. I would rather be a cigarette put out in an ashtray before making such an absolute fool of myself like that. This happens locally and it happens at big award shows. Some only serve as signposts. I’m so glad, I’m so glad I’m not… her… I’m so glad I’m not… him…
I think I will always come back to this place. I think I never leave it. Thunder in the heavens confirms it. We are swimming and kicking the waters that laugh and hold us.
Once I was riding the bus home after a day of work. I got off at the stop, this woman was saying to me… I had to take my headphones off… I’m sorry, what was that, ma’am? “You motherfucker! she said. “You motherfucker! I hate you, you motherfucker!” Another lady approached me and said the same thing. Then another and another. The next lady approached and said, “I’ve seen these women on these lines before. Don’t take it personal, they’re insane and don’t know what they’re saying…”
What you think you know has a tendency to turn itself upside down on you. I always have to remind myself of this, and yet, somehow, keep myself from falling into a jaded hole. You think you know someone, then you really do. Human beings have their charm. But what I mean to say is they have an ugly side. Human beings make you wanna run, make you wanna jump ship. Get too close and they have you in their clutches. Better to be a loner for awhile and go on developing knowledge of self, and love of self. And love shines outward/inward every dir-ection.
You can relax with yourself and say words out just how you want, without worrying you’re offending the other human being who is touchy and just awful.
I look forward to getting back to whatever it was I was doing. Wherever I was, it was better there. I can bring back and tweak those realities.