Where You From?

I’ve more
blues songs
in me
than I
realized

Near the end of the book now. They’ve thrown a three day party at the house for Japhy’s going away, but he and Ray broke away and went hiking into the hills. Japhy is known for cooking from very simple ingredients. Roy (Kerouac) is getting drunk too often and has no intention to stop; we see where that gets him later, outside the story.

“when it
comes to caring
you’ll find me
elsewhere”

little
rabbit child
thump thumps his
foot in
disapproval

jackass
of a snickering
man
laughs with
his friends
judging
from afar
but
not
getting it right

so the
leaves shuffle
but are
mostly out
of work

now that
the wind is gone

all
heat blazes

soon

confused expressions
and looks
weary
weak
damned

yes,
these people are fucked

doomed to
toil under
these
conditions
forever and ever

do you wanna say
anything?

yeah, I’ll
get up and say something

beers later
I am exuberant

I admit that
sometimes I feel
sorry for myself
that I’m human
that I have these flaws
and
call you a robot
a cyborg
for you not fessing up
you got
your weaknesses
so let just
a few people
know sometimes

but for christ
don’t paint
the town

it is
a nice breeze
out on the Ortho
sidewalk
but fuck the place
and
pretty much fuck
sitting here
I’m all done

Om on the page
is like
oh man
oh damn
goddamn
son of sam
last man
standing
branded
tattooed
kidnapped
an Into Another show
Underdog
Token Entry
Chain of Strength
Judge
GB

Om to page
earth to BGK
come back soon
even
in DC they
were like
“where you from?”

Day 31:

the last

coming down
the other
side of
the mountain

I
tried and tried

mostly
a struggle
against
my own
ignorance

and
some
breakthroughs

I took
garbage
to the cans
in the alley

Day 28

Both microphones at Nostuoh, pulling them close together: “I’m gonna do a little duet up here,” and “I’ve got so many styles I need more than one mic.” The drinks were flowing. Three poems, the first quite mellow, the rest hard-hitting. Doesn’t matter what I say of all that, the stage performance, only that I’m really happy to do it. I only wish more of my friends were there because the jokes were flying and a lot of fun was had. Again, A-11. Be there.

Destroyed Eyes

It is like a new life of writing but with old allergies for the eye, the irritation how it kills rub after rub, the knuckles digging deep and hateful and still more to go. What’s in the air is in the world and you can sweep it off a step, it’s just by your feet.

Innovate, invent, build, and grow – pulling from tradition only when necessary, otherwise bury lies in destroyed eyes.

In just a little time that new life comes running down the hill at me. In just a little time I am quiet and walking slow like those lyrics go: “around the block I walked and walked pretending you were with me.”

A glass of red wine to tilt the world or put it in a whirl; with a second, the way it’s sipped in measure, unlike beer that’s chugged like you’re reaching for your weapon.

Here to be here. NOW resumes the want.

Simple sentences appear to slice the letter Z in half to create two sevens at odds and answering at fourteen; multiplied, arrives at 28 as if to say: “why must there be a sequel to 28 Days Later?”

At this age can stop waiting to be adopted by a nice family. At this age I expect to be sucked in and turned into something for their benefit.

My mind don’t change which is why they don’t rub their eyes. I’m not turned into the thing, but compromised. Which is why when they sleep they check camera footage next day.

But the new life is coming down and at us. All this comfort is going to burn. And real life is coming down. And the new life will bring death and strive like Calcutta don’t hide theirs.

Us friends scream at a wall. One day it is gonna fall.

No cars go that fast. Us kids know. Words that manage the crick out your neck with massage and a heating pad.

This function is a drag.

Two days ago I was feeling sorry for myself. Today though I was sorry for it all. I get into that and switch prayers to verses ‘cuz I caught myself being cruel only to make a joke and that was wrong but it slipped by this time without notice but I still sent myself into the corner. Figured I’d be back out soon enough.

To be forced into silence and let yourself fall into silence are two different things. To leap out of silence and live again with confidence is Olympian.

A Place To Put Us

A few minutes from now will be the anniversary of me plopping out into the world once again, if that kind of things happens, you know, reincarnation, reinventing the self. 1:14 AM. We see this painting of Christ where he’s coming through the canvas, just hands and feet, no face, the face obscured. My friend says that’s about right, “He’s really not in our image after all…”

Another man is handing out precious jewels at the soup kitchen that are worth millions of dollars and people are getting pissed because you see that the guy is just picking up rocks off the ground and calling them what he wants. But is that so bad? I love rocks, after all. This was a good one, smooth oval, I would’ve accepted it graciously as a present. My friend gave me a plum for my birthday wrapped in a little towel which I soon chomped at the pool table, playing a pretty good game that night. And the month is not over. 31 days I’m taking for myself, sorta tricking myself that I have actual cause to celebrate anything at all at this point, yet I smile sometimes not knowing why and not knowing why does not stop smiling from turning to laughter and when this kind of laughter comes on the joy rushes through my arms through my hands and legs and eyelids and chest and stomach and…

I was in a rush to get into the world or at least the world was in a rush to get into me, like so many others pushed through grades. So many jobs waiting for us. A place to put us. So many shitty jobs waiting for us, really basic ones. What’s the matter?

Fail and flail and fall into the batter.

The Room

started out this
one poem
talking about
the fan blades
on the ceiling
how they spun
and there
was the fridge buzz
and then
as the poem
grew
I went back
around
erased those
details

the fan
and fridge
gone!

those
two
friends
that both
kept cool
as long
as the
electricity
kept
with it
their
constant
and
loyal
work
in the apartment
to assist for
the time
being my
constant
being

kinda sorry
I siphoned
them out
like that
but too late now
they get
their
turn in
“real” life anyway
quietly

when friends
come
we shout
over
the
noise

Month of January

This is my birthday weekend. I’ll spend a little time gathering up some writing since things have been a little quiet. So far, here’s some stuff from January. It was cold and rainy and chilly then, for Houston – I listened to Circle Jerks, read Ishmael, hung out with friends, dinner at my house, bread, wine, soup, and I crushed on a girl.

hours
groceries
words

windshield wipers
today
your day
rain

some pain
please
explain
site examples

an exam
essay

give it
all away

way down
at the
bottom
of
the barrel
they lowered
lighting
shot you
with a
bolt of
lighting
provides
a more
effective
flash
in this
picture
they put
on your
debit card
you look
like
a mess
a real mess

well
all is
well
somewhat well
since
you asked

watch this
guy
fly his
car in
to the landing pad

back
in
2012
we thought
THAT
was the shit
little
little did we know
what else
was in store
there’d be no more stores
we already
bought
everything

. . .

I like apples and oranges
I like a bowl of fruit for breakfast
I like myself sometimes
otherwise doubtful
documentary on men taking steroids
watch them get super moody

. . .

and I’m back

for a few minutes more
of all this
under supervision
of the owl
skies cloud up
‘bout to rain
paranoia be damned

I’m going into
a cave of
my own time
for a bit
ya’ll can
contact me
as you start
to notice I’m gone
and
if you don’t
so be it
I’ve been
falling back
and
hitting the ground

hide your pain
hide your fears

kids got up
and freestyled
over a violin
to the pink panther song
fucking awesome

kid was like
“this is my family”
white kid on guitar
pointed to him
and said “don’t worry
about color”

these aren’t necessarily poems
but notes
notes have their place too

listening to
Madeline
listening to
the words forming in my head
the need I have
to write something
anything
the act of writing to

better understand my thoughts
the other day I threw out this meme
on the page
“the early bird gets the worm.”
better ask your
friend the owl
what he thinks about that

how do you know he’s a he?
and not a she?
how do you know
that’s not a fake owl up there?
oh well it IS a fake owl
don’t be a hater!
so I can assign to him
any personality
a split personality

. . .

so many don’t even
know how to write
“there”
as in t-h-e-r-e
or t-h-i-e-r
or t-h-e-y-apostrophe-r-e
connotates
location
action
ownership –
look there, they’re
driving off
in their car

. . .

so much I undergo
through the course of a day
it’s hard to put it to words later
then again, maybe it’s not all that much
that damned owl is
staring down at me thru the dark
it is evening
miserable chill and drizzle

Seagate is prepping 37 terrabyte hard drives for 2010
that will hold a person for several decades
provided the drive itself doesn’t turn belly up

. . .

In the dream, we took off in a leer jet, headed for the other side of the planet. Took a break landing somewhere to take a piss. At that spot, I folded up the jet and put it in my pocket, which is something that usually doesn’t happen…

. . .

You, you look
really nice today
tappedy tap tap

Sunday morning
babies
I drive past streets
plane in my pocket
blank page off the head top
“class is in session so you can stop guessin’”

look!
into book

girl has her new volkswagen
painted like Herbie the Lovebug
fuckin’ awesome
so that is that

60’s
70’s 80’s 90’s new millennium
what are
your thoughts
on it all?

. . .

onions and garlic are now the mainstay for me
I’ll attack all of it
because I hate them
and what they’ve done to me
everything is not right…

bhaktas
with their ISKCONisms
mental prisons
I know because
I became a BGK
until it
played itself out
now I’m my own BGK

bee gee kay A are emm -a-

. . .

Finished up reading Desolation Jones, Vol. 1. Thing about Warren Ellis’ writing is that he’s often writing for shock value. He wants his male characters to be these “bad boys,” complete bastards, and in turn to be seen as one himself. I’m sure in many ways this works for him. His female characters are all sexy and aligned in such a way that men find enjoyable. One girl, for example, says, “I like porn…” Very much an Ellis-ism.

. . .

the two guys next to me were
making fun of the white man, made me laugh –
“look, he can do whatever he wants”
pointed to a car pulling up
“you should go open his door for him
and ask him how his day is going…”

. . .

do you know how to write a list?
I gotta list of demands
a blonde ex
my name is not Tex
and no I’m not blessed
but I passed
the GED test
thank you very much
I’m soft to the touch
but you cross me
I’ll burn off your unibrow
as easy as I
draw in the next breath
answer the call if
you know what’s good for you
blam
blam compliment the
whole continent of your body
and throw this
bucket of flower pedals down
everybody celebrates something
let me do that
you fill the place
with a real vision
guide my eye down your spine
dive and plunder

. . .

rainfall
rain
pain
painful
full of pain
rain in the pale
kidney
for sale
drinkin’ ale
what ails ya?
sufferin’ sucatash
hide the
stash
whiplash
backlash
rash
judgement
my covenant
ongoing theme
what to
discuss here
the story
or the meme
handed down
f. tradition
things are
not what
they seem
bright white heat
collapse
the beam?
owl
to agree
expert insects concur
blast it down
shoot it down

Robin
jumps in
“I’m not a girl
or woman
but a FORCE…”

I won’t do all
that much talking
I’ve got
some “spiritual”
work to do
on myself
I don’t have
to sit tight like
a buddha
I just have to be
alone
and go deep
I can do that anywhere I please

that’s exactly right
go ahead and try
say I’m a hippy
‘cuz the
economy
doesn’t concern me
you can’t
put labels
on an ice dolphin, can ya?
go and try!
the carrot
on the snowman
slides down and
stops at his groin
turn your children
away, cuz’ it’s too soon
for that discussion

I’m one such snowman
pissin’ out
more coffee
than thought possible
and it’s
getting colder

Solemn

“The stars began to flash. I fell into deep meditation, felt that the mountains were indeed Buddhas and our friends, and I felt the weird sensation that it was strange that there were only three men in this whole immense valley: the mystic number three. Nirmananakaya, Sambhogakaya, and Dharmakaya. I prayed for the safety and in fact the eternal happiness of poor Morley. Once I opened my eyes and saw Japhy sitting there rigid as a rock and I felt like laughing he looked so funny. But the mountains were mighty solemn, and so was Japhy, and for that matter so was I, and in fact laughter is solemn. It was beautiful. The pinkness vanished and then it was all purple dusk and the roar of the silence was like a wash of diamond waves going through the liquid porches of our ears, enough to soothe a man a thousand years. I prayed for Japhy, for his future safety and happiness and eventual Buddhahood. It was all completely serious, all completely hallucinated, all completely happy.”

-Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums

Solemn

“The stars began to flash. I fell into deep meditation, felt that the mountains were indeed Buddhas and our friends, and I felt the weird sensation that it was strange that there were only three men in this whole immense valley: the mystic number three. Nirmananakaya, Sambhogakaya, and Dharmakaya. I prayed for the safety and in fact the eternal happiness of poor Morley. Once I opened my eyes and saw Japhy sitting there rigid as a rock and I felt like laughing he looked so funny. But the mountains were mighty solemn, and so was Japhy, and for that matter so was I, and in fact laughter is solemn. It was beautiful. The pinkness vanished and then it was all purple dusk and the roar of the silence was like a wash of diamond waves going through the liquid porches of our ears, enough to soothe a man a thousand years. I prayed for Japhy, for his future safety and happiness and eventual Buddhahood. It was all completely serious, all completely hallucinated, all completely happy.”

-Jack Kerouac, The Dharma Bums

Custom Built Day

The universe was bestowing a kindness as we drank silly over the games of pool because I won four somehow and I’m not that skilled. I felt ready to shed some serious tears watching her come around the corner like that after giving her dog away to an absolute stranger. But I didn’t. And it wasn’t such a far drive back to the apartment. Not even worth mentioning really, being such a small day, but even small days get their chance to shine in the journal. The journal can be so kind. I come closer to realizing the release a writer can feel the more time I spend there.

But yeah, I like pool.

Custom Built Day

The universe was bestowing a kindness as we drank silly over the games of pool because I won four somehow and I’m not that skilled. I felt ready to shed some serious tears watching her come around the corner like that after giving her dog away to an absolute stranger. But I didn’t. And it wasn’t such a far drive back to the apartment. Not even worth mentioning really, being such a small day, but even small days get their chance to shine in the journal. The journal can be so kind. I come closer to realizing the release a writer can feel the more time I spend there.

But yeah, I like pool.

dreams

Dreamt a series of strange dreams. One was, my friend L. was flying in from somewhere and we were waiting for her, knowing only she was coming in on American Airlines, and sure enough a space shuttle looking craft flew over really low, coming in for a land – “American” real big on the side. I think I dreamt this because before bed I was thinking that all ships reentering Earth’s atmosphere are being scorched by my third eye.

Elsewhere, me and two other friends were utilizing the subway system in a place that resembled D.C., but a little off – we were headed I don’t know where but had to go back and make sure we knew where we left the car. We were already halfway but decided this was ideal. We were each put into cargo crates with warheads. I was on top of my warhead thinking I was being buried alive and “how many more stops?”

late/early

ridiculous
hour
to be
awake
but with good
reason

to write
to stop the
cat from
destroying
more things
to prepare
to think
to perpetuate
an ernest try…
take a shot at
clarity
of mind
to write more
then more

well,
H-Town kids, you
should know
I have this
featured
poetry/spoken
thing come April 11th
Notsuoh venue, 8:30ish pm
on Main for you
to Google more specifics
but really it’s
me for 20 odd minutes
so try to schedule for it
at least
there will be beer
in case you’re otherwise not
looking forward to it

all the great writers
are probably dead
anyway

And it crosses my mind…

When I’m feeling better, I’ll come back with a fury. It is, after all, my birthday month and I’ve got some things to let out. Life of the mind and seeing people sometimes. That’s the thing. Life in the world and its particulars. I try to make peace with “no one owes me anything.” At the club I am let loose and dance savage. What’s with him? Do you know him? Yeah, my friend says – his thing is, he’s from the east coast. Something like that. Two large men move in close to what, pummel me? Scratch that idea… I suppose I’m ready for some more world, at least tomorrow. Let me sleep for a bit.

And it crosses my mind…

When I’m feeling better, I’ll come back with a fury. It is, after all, my birthday month and I’ve got some things to let out. Life of the mind and seeing people sometimes. That’s the thing. Life in the world and its particulars. I try to make peace with “no one owes me anything.” At the club I am let loose and dance savage. What’s with him? Do you know him? Yeah, my friend says – his thing is, he’s from the east coast. Something like that. Two large men move in close to what, pummel me? Scratch that idea… I suppose I’m ready for some more world, at least tomorrow. Let me sleep for a bit.