Friday (August) Notes

Driving around, you’re in the midst of a lot of chaos, anguish, hurry. There’s little peace to be had. On our way back we stopped at a gas station. A homeless man asked me for money, which I didn’t have, even in change, but he broke out in drunken conversation with me anyway, insisting on pumping my gas. Most probably he thought that if he would do this it would persuade me to produce these coins magically. He talked of prison and street violence and snapping men in half. This was probably also to inspire some sort of emotion in me to produce funds. I was sharp enough to see this, but also sharp enough to be ready for a fight, to be quick on my feet, to attack vital areas, if need be. Fortunately, it didn’t come to that. He revealed more drunkenness toward the end, but I wished him well and told him to be safe.

In finishing a conversation, I also like to tell people to “take care.” I mean it sincerely. I really like it – and perhaps I’m just a sap that way – when someone tells me to take care, be well, and so on. Be peaceful. Find peace. I wish only the best to you. If you say that sincerely, and they are feeling sincere or soft or whatever that day, they’ll receieve it in the best way.

Words are powerful.

A young designer was in the other day and asked some of us if we had gone to school for what we do. I joked with him and said mostly not. “School of hard knox,” I said. I could tell this wasn’t really useful to him, he couldn’t relate. By looking at a person you can usually tell if they’ve been through the ringer or not. This guy hadn’t. My message here is that most of everything I do isn’t based on any type of training. A lot of it is self training. And because I’m such a goddamn emotional person, I have to really, really push myself beyond all that in order to concentrate on the technical task at hand. When you’re given a lot to do, you have to start to see it in a matrix kind of way – whatever comes at you, you see as an array of bullets, but those bullets cannot possibly harm you, you in fact scoff at them, you stop them at will, put them on pause, grab a few randomly as they hover in frozen suspension, marveling at them. The rest fall to the floor. In such a place, you have to build up that sort of confidence in your self and your ability. You have to develop your own survival skill, your own strategy. You seek out better ways of doing things, discover new keyboard shortcuts to add to memory. In sharing some of these discoveries with others, sometimes you see how they take this with a grain of salt. And you see how these people suffer for that later. You wind up having to pick up a job they mangled, and fixing it for them after they’re clocked out and long gone. Then again, it’s all so much. There’s little peace to be had and we’re just doing what we can.

. . .

Spoken word is amazing to me. I’ve reached a point where I’m hardly nervous to be on stage. More than anything, I’m amped, impatient to get up there and let it all fly. I’m hungry. More and more I feel like I need it. Damn, it’s a good feeling. Being such a shy person, never thought this would come to pass…

More later.

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