Writing…

writing to work
with your mind
to delve into the heart of things
to get things
spinning
I can feel all the world
furiously spinning
writing when you wanna
force yourself to vomit
writing to understand
what your last sentence meant
writing to get to know yourself
to get to know others

writing changes colors

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All sobered up in a head-kicked-in world

today
chopped up
strange astrology
none of us
communicated
properly
I said I wanted
to kill the
customers
that bad, huh?
he said
yes, that bad
strange times
in a strange land
funny to think
how texas used
to be its own country

this is a fucked up
way to live
in service to
others all the time
I mean, serving them
in such a way
them never fulfilled
the wheel
always turning
rats in a race
the assimilation of
other cultures
into their own
as if they
could diverse
they try to
justify the
horror they
crank into the world

worse in other
countries they say
you’re a fucked up
human, I wanna say
sometimes I
want nothing to do
with the human
experience

the journal catches me
early morning
at the edge of a strange
day but
my friend is
back in town
and so things just
may shape up
before it
all strikes Y2K
end times

atmosphere

first day of spring

I think just
what the hell
I am going to
do with myself
this morning

in the rainfall
first of
the work week
the time suckage
where you
can hardly
take care
of yourself
and your serious needs

what am I going to think about?

what is in the air?

I doubt THEY
even wanted a
watered down version of
V For Vendetta
put out there in theaters

extend the scenario
of the current day
for example
and we have a “leader”
running a totalitarian state
forthright
running us into the ground

exaggerate to make a point

yet the exaggeration is not too great

. . .

I know I never want another guru or guru figure in my life ever again. I’m all grown up now, at least to a degree. And while there is a need for knowledge and wisdom, how is it right that grown men and women are treated like children without any sense?

. . .

the atmosphere
effects

everything

rain

work place

everything

Over at the place this one girl is typically known for being a little moody and subtly projecting it on others. This in turn seeps into our heads early on. The atmosphere is then something that has to be uplifted once more. Most are not on their toes enough to realize this because they’re not paying attention to it. By the time I show up around 11am, I’m practically cracking jokes off the bat. Oh man, it says in the Boddhisatva handbook not to be frivolous, but if they could see me now! See, there is no guru standing in the corner ready to pounce with a stick and tell me how I am not being a buddha. If he were, I think he would drop the stick anyway. My intentions are good and close to pure. I will “kick on your head.” I will crack up your atmosphere. Here!

here is a new one

At the movies

so I’ve come up to a tea house and have been writing to various friends, a sore need of mine. in writing them I forgot to mention, so I’m saying it now, the movie V For Vendetta is in fact quite amazing. an anarchist’s movie at heart. and to think, produced straight outta hollywood. goes to show, ideas are bulletproof. with that said, I think the comic book is the superior product. the movie, in this light, should be seen as a companion to the original piece. big movie-type criticism means little to me. all in all, both are tributes to the spirit of rebellion, individualism, and collectivism. rock on, rock-onables!

You look great today

a time limit
on everything

our staple:
deadlines

a workshop

we carry tools

we are terrorists with box cutters
except we cut down
posters

they are wet behind the ears
in their loyalty
to a system
that fucks them

liberals with bumper stickers
on their SUVs included

I am the
terrorist in conversation

aghast at
my anger?
my world
view?

why would
you wanna rear
babies
in this?

rear
little messiahs

damn they put
food not bombs
on the FBI list

they shut down
an entire campus
because a bike has a
“this bike is a pipe bomb” sticker

fearful

and

stupid

ancient dust on their shoulders
dust from my grandmother’s books

one here, she talks about how
there were police copters outside
her apartment building all night
“come in or go away,” she says

me on the other hand
I got me some sound sleep
(again, can’t recall the dreams)

“I want results…”

sports… flipped
business… Playstation 3 Release Delayed… flipped
entertainment… flipped
classifieds…
classifieds is what this man chooses
words illegible

garage

weather
under

beyond

sell it fast. find it fast.

guy with greyhound passes buy
looking like Larry David
exactly!

curb your euthanasia

liquid maturity and experience

Wednesday notes

defrag
spring cleaning

but things seem
jumbled

head not
always

clear

the cars I see:
VW, Mercedes, Toyota, Mitsubishi…

coffee shop attendants

me:
laptop
V for Vendetta trade

reading/writing

gamble with notes
sweatshirt
people sneezing like me

it gets chilly sometimes still
enough to tweak
health back and forth

ah, the letters I must
write to friends

and
birthday coming up
I treat myself
to the finer things in life
if only they be
mental

at work
I know more and more
to pace myself
sometimes I get bored
sometimes frustrated

sometimes the world
feels like it’s
caving in
the weight of our
problems is so great

a friend of a friend
has seriously lost his mind
months after a car accident
something just

switched

now almost
we fear him

and it is very sad

and that could happen to
any of us

we stand on the
edge of our own realities
if we leave
take that plunge
coming back will
never be the same
or welcoming

remember
if you burn a bridge
that shit is
really burnt
there’s no coming back

remember
some bridges
need to be burnt

horrah!

staring out the window
is a national pastime
but I think about the universe

not about the exploration
but what it’s like being there
how those realities
are so different
and at first unfathomable

you can live smarter
you can live greater
you can live with everything enhanced

I feel like I am
back from some
undiscovered planet

please don’t chop
my time in half

so much more
for me to fumble through

minimal
minimalist

minutes

I fretted for
nothing

today
smooth

boredom
in the work place

drab challenges

middle of week

head swims

spot has wifi
by tanning bed
signal to
sidewalk
I grab
chair
table

place for me

place in universe
shifts
and shifts

swims and dances

less a performance

more sincere

in old age I will be burning
so bright

3/8

a wednesday

find a niche
they say

the minutes
for this
minute

root
boot
radiohead’s big boots

child points
man spits
flips newspaper
large sheets
black and white
you add grey

comics today

GM, Ellis

fork over cash

reading surpasses television
movies
language on the page…

Destroy The Mountain With A Silk Cloth

a clutter about the room and mind and digispace
this reflects the flurry of emotions
and assignments given
that we all have to deal with
and respectively find our own ways
in dealing with it all

the amount of time I have
to come here and write
seems as if just a seed
but I’ll take it

let me say I have
developed a
new respect
for the world and universe
and have felt the
tiniest of organisms
trying to
communicate
something to me

I am a part of them
and they are a part of me
we are not so much
in each others way
as we are traintracked
across one another

it is something I will continue
to think about
and therefore go
deeper into

the kind of journal/blog
I wish to write
will become less involved
in the ordinary

. . .

there is a palm
witness the palm
transform itself into a giraffe
witness Elvis jump onto the giraffe
and rotate the letters of
the alphabet
like on wheel of fortune
school children will have
to sing it differently
a man in his wheelchair
moves at his own pace
pulling himself along with his legs
scabs on his hand ready
to come off
I wonder how they got there
the outdoors (like the indoors)
can be unkind

. . .

a body trembling shaken
an earthquake tremor
the volcanic form
the soul the whatever
within
wanting to burst forth
the consciousness expands
and fills the room
the ordinary neediness
dissolves

ego dissolves
into something bigger and better
if just for a minute
my days are insects
much smaller than ants

I fear losing my mind this time
but it comes back
and I sort through change
I mourn its return

is it a new one?

I said it before
I experience it more
and more
now
what is happening
is happening around me
their insults
bounce off

at work I say in my head to her:
“it’s okay you ask me to do something
it’s not okay you ask me to feel bad…”

this in regards to her asking
me to do something after I had clocked out for lunch
but went back for my forgotten keys
her: “well of course you wouldn’t report to me to let me know…”
me: “oh, I’m sorry… you were on the phone. anyway, I told her…”
her: “okay…”
me: “what can I do for you?”
her: “I was going to ask you to email this file, but since you already clocked out, I can wait…”
me: “okay. goodbye.”
pass the passive
aggress-ive
HOT potato

. . .

Friendship is so important, but if you use that friendship in an attempt to fill a void within you, you cheat the friendship. You cheat the friendship enough… and it’s gone. You must sit alone and take advantage of the tool of meditation or if you do not like that word… well, you have to meditate, whatever word you choose. Some will give various methods and techniques, but first and foremost, you must grab time to be alone and you must in some way step into higher and higher realms of consciousness almost in the same way your parents would nag you to “grow up.” By now your parents, and this seems judgmental, are probably growing down. My grandmother once told me that she refuses to grow any more. “I’ve grown enough,” she bursted out. It was a candid admission. But I don’t want to be jaded like that. I doubt I ever will.

I’m inspired into the infinite.

I’m becoming a great friend to myself.

unfold

we enter the upper mind states. it has counted down to this. to this happening.

UNFOLD

so my big frustration is that in my identity as a writer, I’ve let that identity and action within myself slip – in a big way. which saddens me. society is the soul crusher and is faking out even some of the best of us, forcing us to compromise and lose hold of our gut instincts and passions.

I realize my folly now has been to convert writing, my passion, into a hobby like how the sick with jobs that become their lives indulge.

the big love we have gets twisted, perverted, and squandered. that big true love gets poured down the drain.

and there is this man in assistant manager’s uniform always screaming he needs to break away for little league because he is a coach to various teams. this, it’s revealed later, is his addiction, and in this blind fury, he achieves greater states of control over others that his job would never provide. the man has childhood issues. the man refuses to admit his preposterous nature. the man is a serious asshole.

and there is a stench about me that is all apology. tears and bloody wounds gaping open in the relationship. out of panic I am trying to heal them myself for they do not really care for you in the emergency room.

a bike or whatever instrument it takes, when you are feeling in the need to mobile.

you can luxuriate within the paragraph, go back and tweak the bits. I’m sitting in Bangarang hypersensitive of interpersonal realities and the folds within covers where demons look from torment onward so incredibly jealous of me. I am too free to touch.

fires were set.
waters condensed from fingertips spit into
glory in the fragments
I never thought I would become
this close to the nature of things
(words cannot describe the song)

connecting the fragments back together for a moment at least – you can pretend like you don’t understand. I don’t mean to be cruel and the anger has been squelched within me. now you get to see passion. words to the masses. you’re living a really ugly lie.

the hurt of the earth and the people goes on for some time

you found me
here in the bed

the hex is broken
I’ve cut through
the illusory covering that’s
making everyone so docile
and stupid
telling me and the world
and I’ve dispersed them
like playing cards
one by one by many
into the dumpster
dumpster diving kids
know what to grab

choose your energy!

it’s gold
it’s golden

notes from 10am

• the week has dragged itself all out like a mf’r. finally I am up here and the wifi is holding on, if just for a bit, and so I can get out my communique to the world.

• seems I’ve gotten over my bronchitis. it was a nasty stretch. glad to say I’m still alive and kickin’ it.

• I’m looking forward to listening to the new William Shatner album I just “picked up” the other day.

• I’m looking forward to a special Friday coming up – notes will follow. Yeah, I’m going to start something new: tripped out weekend notes. These will go deeper into the heart, shedding external events. universalisms.

• overtime has been fucked up this week. one emp. was out for three days in a row, leaving us all shorthanded. my boss asked that I come in early and stay late for three days in a row. the exhaustion has its own personality, one that is sluggish and irritable. I’ve realized if I can just snack throughout the day, I’ll be doing fine…

• read in time mag how google has created a china-version of its search engine, google.cn, and that they’ve allowed themselves to be compromised by chinas fucked up guidelines in squelching out all kinds of sites. the article mentioned how this almost seemed not to matter because most people are getting online to check out celebrity news, get the weather, etc., not to read opinions…

• my opinion is that everyone should be free to do what the fuck they want… but that is vague. perhaps over time I will flesh this out and that flesh will form a new person or android and will bring terror.

• people say they are against racism, sexism, all kinds of things. you really see how this is not true in the work place. it is simply the job forcing them to hold their tongues, keeping them from saying it all outright. it is the job that forces the person into a passive-aggressive state in order to express their ignorance due to pent up anger and a sheltered life.