I’m listening to Dischord bands and feeling that this room cannot possibly get bright enough even if I brought a fucking search light in here. While I feel better today, I will not feel exactly right until my cat Rudra gets back from the hospital. Friday evening, I found him out on the front step after he had been hit by a car, and in absolute panic I rushed him just in time to see a doctor. His face had been hit so that his jaw was slightly misaligned, two teeth were broken, and the roof of his mouth was split. This afternoon, the doctor called that the operation on Rudra’s mouth was a success, and he should be home as early as Monday afternoon.
I had become sick with a fever and snotty-nosed from sobbing. The car was especially hard to operate. A friend took me out for a drink. I was like, “Why the fuck not?” Of course, almost as a policy with me, I did not get drunk. Some after all, drink socially, and if I am to be one who indulges in drink, I’m to be one of them, maybe slightly tipsy, but not in a downward spiral, out of control, violent, self destructive, all of a sudden addicted. I’ve got too much to accomplish.
Rudra, upon seeing me this morning, immediately recognized me and stood up and head butted me with purrs. I said his name over and over in the kind of sing-song that he loves, and felt all the gold of Fort Knox fall over me. I look at him and my heart breaks. I would give both arms and be shot into space without armor before seeing him leave our company, especially in any kind of brutal fashion.
Got out for a bit today. Sat in the cafe with my free writing sessions and current book that I’m hacking away on. C. can jump in and rib me: “You read so slow!” You notice, you notice! You vixen!
Every action, page turned, door knob finger printed, has a tinge of Rudra’s well being in mind. A crack in the sidewalk resembles your mother’s back, so you step carefully—Rudra, my son, my Sun, my darling pet and confidant, I want for you to be even more full of life coming out of there. I shall explode into stars and dandelion constellations by 11:05 PM.