morning notes

these days tripping out, time going by, looking back on life, how it’s changed. mostly now I’m seeing how it’s changed for the better and that I’ve become a “new” person. I’m not going to pretend I have much else to say tonight.

you say
you would like
someone to
talk to
but if the
phone were
handed to you
now who
would you
call

I practice
a chatty
buddhism
some days
when
energy is
high

throw
pennies
in a
bowl

I have a
book list
of what
I’d like to
read/ re-read
over the next
2 years
how will
this expand
or decrease?

there is
something
magical in
writing a list
of things
to cross off
I have a list
of things
that I
don’t cross
off because
I have to
do them
everyday
it’s a reminder
list
I also write down
on it all the
things I’m
looking fwd to
months ahead

I love a
peace of mind
and clarity

last Wednesday
went to meditation
practically fell over
I was so tired
makes me think
evenings are
terrible for this
kind of thing

tonight I said
I needed a nap
C. convinced me
to listen to an
audio book with
headphones on
since my eyes
were hurting.
45 minutes later
I was asleep
in the chair

can’t remember what
I dreamt ‘cept that
I was driving on
Rock Creek Park
and screaming
something a lot

new neighbor downstairs
moves in and her
entertainment system
is causing the
floors to vibrate

pipes are
bursting with
hot water
windows
burst with
cool air

grave decisions
type out

hold out your hand
1st grade teacher
slaps it with a ruler
“now you slap it yourself”
“make it hurt”
bam bam bam bam

kill off procrastination:
use your mind to associate
pleasure/pain to that thing
you want/need to do
assign pain — “what will
happen if I don’t do this?”
envision it, make it so real
in your head
and “what will be all the
benefits if I do do this?”
it’s blowing my mind these days realizing just how much negative thinking one does by habit, by default. unconscious affirmations. there is so much truth in the power of visualizing and making things real in your head — that they just come to you. there is so much power in the ability to focus on something. again, the idea of returning to lists, writing what you want in material, but also internal things.

my red
Social Distortion shirt
is gone
a thing of the past
along with
a heap of others
our clothes situation
is way out
of hand and
causes most
of the stress in this house
I will spend
4 days without sleep
figuring out
how to solve this

Smile, You’re Traveling
to me is Henry Rollins’
best book
I don’t read him much
these days but tonight
opened it up
for a few pages
sure enough I found
a really good page
where he’s talking about sitting on the beach in Madagascar all by himself, enjoying the time there, wondering what it would be like to live in a winter cabin unattended for months and months. “there’s something to learn from it.” also, liked how he said, “I kept turning around to see if someone was standing behind me. makes me wonder how much living in cities has fucked me up.”

people turn on you
sometimes pretty fast
it is good to be aware of this
and I often wonder why
this happens
they get rude
cut you off
end it
just when they
have some kind of leverage
have your CDs, DVDs, books

I’m writing in front of the refrigerator and all these days have come to ghost swirl around this one, bombarding it all at once. I was in bed, it felt like someone was grabbing my ankles and pulling me off. that is a terrible thought. she said when she woke up, she was attached to the ceiling looking down, and she could not say anything. a game of volleyball went well. even the losing team were fair sports about it. the vege sausage is all out at the supermarket, but I make it through breakfast making a shake, writing here, remembering going fishing as a kid, never catching a damn thing, maybe an eel or two, and how that one winter, my friend’s little brother fell through the ice and we got him out, and he cried the whole way home, a four or five mile walk back. I remember brief electrons of Spanish in elementary school, how I didn’t pursue it, but years later married a girl bound to travel to Spain and beat that language to a pulp. broke my left index finger on my last day of kung fu.

Dostoevsky is on my list, his name collecting dust, a library robust, towering, intimidating, inviting, filling, emptying a cup. you’re in your place now. I don’t mean that in a “know your place” kind of way. more like, “you made your bed, now lie in it.” no, more like, you’re in your place now, take a good look around you. what can you do to fix it up, change, fix it? it’s not a place at all, but defined by wallpaper.

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