writing is liquid form

the heat is keeping me up tonight instead of the usual chest congestion. so on that note, I guess it’s a welcomed change. I thought I’d give up on the tossing and turning in bed and come over here and toss and turn in writing. what do you do when you toss and turn? you’re usually thinking about different things. how your day went. what you’re going to do tomorrow. what you want to do tomorrow. what you want to do in a year. the dream you had last night. the things you regret. the things that have embarrassed you.

I thought Saturday’s meditation went pretty well. I was up early and by the time I went over there, I was able to stay pretty alert the whole time. concentration on the breath in Soto Zen meditation is one of the main factors. it was cool to keep reminding myself do this, and upon doing it, this time around the 40 minutes did not seem as painful.

thoughts on: how to cope with difficult people. hmmm. I don’t know. I’m still thinking about it. how do you? any ideas? throw them at me, please. one is, it’s a fruitless endeavor to try to enter battle with them. you just wind up feeling frustrated and exhausted in the end.

love of clarity
clarity
is power
you could say
knowledge is
power but really
it is actually
potential power
the power is in
the decision
and in
following through

I’m mulling through these ideas

Xorn was born a modern Buddha
with a Star in his head
but just
born at the wrong time
captured and tortured
well into his later years
then rescued
if his enemy were to
chop off his head
the star would
float up
and incinerate
the entire village
the Xmen found
a new friend in him
and entrusted him
to teach at the school
unfortunately, under
their noses he
was not so pure
of heart after all
and was corrupting
the minds of the
young students
to feel no compassion
for ordinary human life
in the world
deeper into the story
we learn Xorn is
actually the
infamous Magneto
and havoc
is unleashed
upon mutants
and non-mutants alike

this topsy turvy situation we find ourselves in, a moment of desperation, you have been trained to act quick. to rescue, to access damage, move on, take initiative. there are things in each military setup (no matter how corrupt or non-corrupt) that you can use to your personal advantage or to a greater good.

“when there’s betrayal!” (chain of strength) this band is constantly popping up in my head these days. “it hurts so much every time I hear that shit.”

the local boy with the tattooed face spoke with C. a while back and was rude to her because she doesn’t “look punk.” she had to inform him of her involvement thus far, but this seemed not to phase him. I thought about this, how growing up, I seemed to be more in my obnoxious stages of punk – angry, self righteous, and so on, but my focus was so blurry. I knew, for example, I was angry, but didn’t know what I was angry about. at least not so much at age 15. punk around that time for me, in the least was rebelling against my parents who I definitely knew were lame, and society (this was a given). still I had much more to learn about it all. and this didn’t mean I would become less angry. in some cases, the more I’d learn, I’d become more angry. anger can merely be a sign that you’re violated in some way. if you know that much, that can be a signal that you need to change. thus, punk is about anger, punk is about change.

punk is also about becoming kinder.

it can go
in circles really
punk is
about becoming kinder
life is about
becoming kinder
punk is about life
life is about punk
you learn
as you go
along
life is
about change
Wind of Change

a terrible apartment heat and I am up rambling away, hours away from the jarring sounds of the alarm clock and shooting myself back into the work place. I’ve come to expect that Monday’s don’t go well because of the sharp contrast of what you have to yourself as extended blocks of weekend time versus the constrictions of poor management and a seemingly endless inundation of questions to answer in order to help solve their repetitive mistakes and fumbling and forgetfulness. this is a good sign that this thing is not going to last for me, and I should start making preparations to move on within about a year’s time, if not sooner. be ready for that!

the cats are
loving sitting
in the open windows
I love sitting
by them and
feeling the
breeze come through
and passing over me
also I have
a squirt bottle
I’m using to cool
my limbs with water
as soon as I start
to feel drowsy in the
slightest I’ll
give these notes up
in favor
of dream

I’m facing a void. my determination to write sits facing a void. the terror of void. blank slate future. if my plans are empty, a new day enters into me and fills me with its own will; like a sheep I accept it and await for the next set of terms. I become invisible so as not to be seen, so to breathe, I can avoid invaders and have room to move about in my own life. each word is desperate and shot out rapidly because you never know when the next interruption is making its way around the corner.

yes, I dreamt of zombies though I haven’t watched a zombie movie in ages, not even the recent remake in theaters. there’s no time. I can’t be bothered. certainly I was bothered last night, by zombies of a different type. here’s a sample for you. all is fine until a human being sets foot on the open pavement or soil, then the undead in heaps curl up out of the earth and start grabbing at you, biting you, and pulling you back down with them. needless to say, this shifts the paradigm. this mainly happens at night. some even shape shift from humans to zombies and back to humans again so as to confuse and further perfect this strategic ambush.

I believe I managed to escape by tossing and turning. and that’s how I wrote this entry.

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