this only proceeds to make me more invisible

trying to determine what constitutes for me a good or bad mood. I’m writing from one of the bi-poles right now: guess which one! tuesday curses and haunts, taunts, tears into halves, scatters the living room, the living space, all of it. do I ask for this drama for an excuse to throw my cell across the room to watch it detach from its battery, then like a nightmare, reassemble it with a sense of guilt, an anger at myself. a flag is flown. I shoot arrows at the flag.

a small book could be written, each page assigned to what a person wants. he wants peace on earth, at least in December. she wants another Anne Rice novel. he wants to go to the moon, or Mars. I talk in a cafe about the storms on Jupiter, how it would suck to live there, especially if we think here is bad. Jupiter is all about being one big storm non-stop. Richmond, VA had an earthquake today, and earlier on, Oklahoma, too. what is going on? Earth Changes? Global Warming? hollywood will issue a movie on such ideas, more than likely blown out of proportion. we will add to the list of our fears. and drink more beers. well, not for me. from time to time, however, sip from alcohol beverages C. is drinking, but never get to the point of intoxication. I have no real attraction to this sort of thing, really, ‘cept if a drink such as soy, is flavored in a certain way with a., I partake and enjoy what’s on TV.

a ruinous day with the constant interruptions. (just the fact that there were interruptions, wether they were necessary or not, made little difference… there were just too many, and it was very, very difficult to get anything done in the midst of several deadlines.) this, coupled with troubled sleep from the previous night, proved for automobile accidents of officious proportions. phones rang off the hook.

amazing stuff is being written these days. friends of mine writing so well. an honorable mention goes to C. for making that effort. I know over the years you would write, then destroy it immediately. to overcome that is no small feat, and I pray you find satisfaction in this and push on with it. even if you don’t, I was still proud to read what you’ve knocked out so far (and for my sake, I suppose I should save it to disc in case anything unforeseen should happen to it).

moods. I am drinking Good Mood tea. that’s right, St. John’s Wart. does the stuff really work. perhaps I need large doses of it. these days I am highly disappointed with the medical community for running me around in circles, displaying obviously they don’t know, with all their studying!, what the hell they’re doing. it is still good to know the location of your own elbow. I’m saying, beyond that, you should charge a little less for what turns out to be mere conversation.

was snappy. jumpy. irritable. and in the end, as noted, threw a few objects. also ranted about how I would kill. how I would assassinate. C. was like – “stop with this killing and assassination shit.” just how mad can a person get? this only proceeds to make me more invisible. so does heartbreak.

. . .

played Yahoo! Checkers, lost the
first game, but won the second.
person playing me kept asking
me stuff like what do you do for a living
what do you do for fun…
and I was saying they
should listen to Outkast, stop
asking so many questions,
and concentrate on Yahoo! Checkers.

. . .

what may propel you to write haiku is the idea that each piece is like taking a picture. of course they say you must include in the subject something about nature, but I maintain that everything is a part of nature. think strongly.

. . .

Matthew is much missed, and remember him clear as day there in Philadelphia, in Winter, me being so bold as to advise certain things. I insist that is out of love, though risk being pompous. I get to points where I like to talk a lot, and Matthew always seems to encourage that, and see value in it. he brings out some of my deeper aspects since he is searching for similar things in his life as well. wherever he goes, he creates a genuine space for living the good life, and if you can read auras, you can sense it down at that level, too.

. . .

I have a blanket around me. these are attempts to stay warm. for once in the day, I am feeling somewhat sane, not overwhelmed, overburdened. alas it has taken till 2 AM to get here. I do believe much of what is said in ancient times, such as what has been defined as Samsara, the vicious circle. this can be seen on a very here and now level, not just as in “the cycle of old age, disease, birth, and death.” those are very real of course, but up close, it’s that time clock at work that you have to punch that is up close and in your face. even a job you like can get old pretty fast. then what? get up and move again? not any time soon. this town seems to have only one job for me, and that causes me to toss and turn in my sleep. I can agonize over the small things because that’s what they do. I joked with one fellow employee that I should just be intoxicated while on the job, and he laughed while imagining it, going back there into my office, seeing me all chilled out. still, I would like to reach whatever states without the aid of some of these things with which otherwise would make me feel compromised. it is good that at times I actually reach them. if I lack proper sleep, for instance, I may no longer behave in a sober state, and begin singing songs or cracking jokes animatedly.

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