memory serves introspect

white oleander the movie is amazing with tonight’s viewing after class, and chinese food, wanting to cry at certain parts, because I am there inside the movie at times. I don’t like it right in the middle watching when someone says the book is better, probably no more than when reading the book someone interrupts and says, I hear the movie is better. overhear grocery line talk that they’re anti-book readers and I think I used to be in the same boat. I have so much to be thankful for even if most of it I have not retained in rapid recall memory. deep impressions have been made that I know I’m a part of other things and they’re a part of me. deep connections have been made.

they pull into each other with love stories in their eyes. he breaks down crying before they’re about to engage in the warfare. “I’m about to die. what I want most of all is your companionship. no strings attached or anything like that.”

the heater is turned on number 2 to keep things warm. the big chaos at work is possibly a good sign that money is rolling in, and yes it becomes harder to manage, but at least it is there to mismanage and I can go on paying rent, bills, and whatever else that comes up. another giant branch has fallen, this time in the middle of the yard, not on any cars out on the street. a coworker was nice enough to fix the light in the back of my car for me. lunch was shot up. I kept getting called upon. later they will make it up to me by giving me a phat raise. this is going to happen, right?

the imagination is a powerful thing if you give power to it. I bet you’ve burned more crosses on front lawns than me this year. how do I know? I’ve got none. how’s that working for you? you’ve got me beat. I should know, with my lower I.Q. and gullible tendencies. you’d prefer I slip on something slick and crack my head open till all the stars come out. but I don’t have stars. I’ve got used scrap parts. we don’t say a thing to each other any more. we’re free to think what we think. us assassins. fraternizing cool guys. time you pass and less trust you no further than they can throw you, and this they even prefer to. no one writes you. ain’t sitting by that mail truck lonely? send the kids back their money.

stunned at the keyboard silent tears like Bad Brains lyrics and memories of WUST hall, being ripped off emotionally because being young means you’re a little more susceptible to being victimized, caught in crossfire. stunned stationary stagnant stilled, distilled, chilled, 8 pills a day, more, cancelled, tall glass of water entering this shawshank redemption. all these prisons, these dreams, apartments, compartments, glove boxes, cubby holes, innocents. tie a string around your finger, this month is November. congratulate yourself on what you see sharply through what for others is tree bark, musk, gagging on the strong musk. these words I’m seeing in my head, then I type them out. celebrate the good things. I can make better speeches now, unlike then when it was all happening and overwhelming to tenth degrees and oven fahrenheits generous georges positive pizzas Alexandria and when you travel south and south and south they soon you’ll be at South of The Border, you can buy your bottle rockets there, used to fire them out windows with the lights off at neighbors houses. smack into their front doors they would come running out, we would be laughing our heads ducked down, and in five minutes shoot out more. no pangs of conscience back then. it was that no one else was real enough for us, so we trampled. the world chewed us up good for that, maybe not even that, but chewed us up good. where’s ….? he’s in jail now. what’s up with … these days? he’s robbing radios out of cars. cops tackle their prey to the ground at good camera angles and interviews are extensive bonus pieces on DVDs.

that gang green record I had
shaped like a skateboard
token entry on my walkman
pagan babies, crumb suckers,
social distortion, uniform choice,
uk subs, YOT, misfits, dead milkmen,
wolf pack, side by side, crucial youth
milk colored vinyl, 7 Seconds and
Government Issue on Giant Records
wheaton, md, phatasmagoria records,
marginal man, selling bonzai trees
out of white flint, eating at the vegetable garden
that Insted show, that Swiz show,
Absolution, Chain of Strength at the BBQ Iguana
Carlos, Irene, Andrea, Jeremy Hand,
Calverton Crew Skinheads, Briggs Channey,
agonizing typically human stupidity
plate glass windows, poor decisions
young kids got younger got more dumb
was listening to Boogie Down Produc.
drove a grey chevy
drove
drove around

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