adding up the small moments and getting lighter

stunned stopped
in place
cover my
face in shame
can’t utter
my own name
the game is
pain
I help myself
into
the center
of a new mess
serving up
a new drama
and what,
I’m going to
read this drab
at a poetry reading?
“this one’s for you stewart.”

tonight the tumbleweed rolls through.

to the next hour, if you really want to know the truth. I can type faster, if that’s what it takes, too. when the shower head constantly pops out, I now take it differently. I think of it as “service to the community” that I shut the water off patiently and reattach the hose. why attach it with all this malice? it simply will not hold. as I said, the anger begins within the self.

on the road, that’s where I’m having some challenges. 15 cars in front of me drive 25 miles an hour. so enjoy the scenery. I can go ten rounds. that means I have to write ten rounds. more than ten rounds. classified as a loser according to what I do with my Friday or Saturday night, treating them like Sunday nights. my work ethic is so strong it’s not a work ethic, it’s a work biscuit.

doesn’t even matter if music is playing in the background any more. I’ll pour the words out till I lose my humanity, I might have been human for too long anyway. everything is energy. I go right through it like Neo in the end of the first Matrix. energy, digital or otherwise. no mind? no problem. washing dishes is not a problem. it is simply a flurry of hand movement, or in slow motion. then, all-knowing one, take the same attitude for cleaning up each room. okay, it’s like this. I need to scheme something more workable according to where we can put dirty clothes. as for now, they’re thrown into a gigantic pile. that’s the only “problem” really. other things clutter the place a lot less. but the pile, the pile grows and grows and crowds space. I can’t even bring the chair into the room any more.

I don’t want this to be a struggle in the sense that I’m trying to get to something “out there.” I want to realize that I’m already there.

next paragraph parachute doesn’t open. I’m falling for awhile, which feels great. but as I get closer to the ground, I start to panic a little. now I’m getting a little closer – I am beginning the transformation of soiling my britches a bit. I’m about to hit.

chute 2: back in the day, I’d send prank telegrams. is your refrigerator running? please check yes or no. if so, you better run and catch it. I invented that shit. bet you didn’t realize that. checking calibrations.

a good night for
humiliation
humidity
humility
harmony

harmony damper. no, don’t do that. don’t put a damper on some good harmony. it is a good night. sit down for a few minutes and listen to this Bob Marley record. it’ll do you some good. sit down for a few minutes no matter what. this is a live wire into another late hour. go ahead and ride it on through. rock this.

my two cats are fighting. the little one is growing up nicely. they love each other so much, despite the small daily rumbles.

no
book
writes
itself

the
english
translation for
that is:
fuck
you

now come on, why do I have to be so cruel? non-clarity is cruel to me. I am cruel to you for passing it on. that’s just the way it works. I’m humbled by it. a terrible host, thirty years of age, of course apologizing, and you, you saying, “make nothing of it.” okay, fuck you then. just kidding, just kidding, I assure you. I don’t know what’s wrong with me tonight. “well now you’re starting to push it a little bit. don’t take this friendship for granted.” I know, I know, you’re right. my mind is in the gutter today. I don’t know what’s wrong with me.

fatigued.
is it because
I have so much time
feel like
crying
to cover this up
I say we
should get
in the car for a drive
go buy some ice cream
water, orange juice
I will do all these things
read, watch some TV
maybe it will help

right now it hurts
what hurts?
something.
that wife
in my mind.
that drama
in my mind.
that rejection slice
of pie
that I so love
to imagine,
that clouds.
that is
not even there!

yes, that

the power
drops out
I throw myself
onto the bed
faced down
damn
daunted
day glowing
a hurt
darted
dangled
dared
decided

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