we left you sleeping. now we’re sleeping with you. don’t wake up.

sun day at noon time with hunger in stomach
thinking I have to take
care of myself better by eating more (more often)
I want to be in this
for the long haul
not like others
who throw their lives
into the dumpsters

saturn day was fine
tinged with a little bit of loneliness
but made it through
without making too much
a mess of myself

day light hours are consumed
by work

night is social, meditational, resting

in your limbs while
you are still alive
you can lift yourself above
the depression, the aggression
little annoyances

after a short time I look up and
the world has changed around me
I come back to a room
where everything is just
as I left it – but appears more still
older just by a few hours
this slightly startles me that
I would notice such a thing
by try this –
return home after 2 full weeks
and how does it feel?

also I look up and
friends have become
masterful poets and grow and grow
and I see how
this could be something
so big
Amazon.com big

I could spend this time
over broken heart bits
I could also spend this time
over tea, having lunch
taking a walk through the
beautiful neighborhood

I define a great day by
having the strength to be
in the park by 6 am to sit on that
bench and meditate
(beautiful there – I will take pictures to show you)

no thing is strictly this or that. for instance, the horror film I watched yesterday, 28 Days Later, brings out many things, not strictly fear and panic. as the movie began, some of the crowd were much like high school students, laughing and giggling; I like how the intensity of a movie can shut every one the hell up, creating d-e-a-d silence in the room. movies, such as this one, can be an . . . experience. of course everything is an experience or an event, but sometimes you have to apply emphasis. in 94′ I was reading a lot of global conspiracy stuff and felt the end of the world would come in 2000. I was going to name my next magazine Emphasis 6. none of that ever came about. I’m glad for both.

the girl in the apartment downstairs is moving out. boom boom shifting vibration of things from here to there. hip pains continue. someone said I could have arthritis there. I know it is something serious enough to warrant a trip to the doctor. now that I have insurance from work, I can finally go.

I leave live journal entries in summer droughts and return in torrential downfalls. in days to come I combine meditation (as in sitting and otherwise) with the meditation and flow of writing.

monitor the status of aggression in a tight circumference of self. accidental knife slices through fingers at the sink, round red droplets that fall in. the mind’s red reaction. the eye sees blood. stomach’s contracted reaction. pulse. to day I say to take care but not freak the fuck out. you cannot control much in the world, but you can control your re actions. you can avoid whole arguments. you can avoid starting argu ments. you can watch in you what emotions stir up when someone pronounces a certain combination of words causing such and such effect. amazing how that works.

I don’t want to jumble my thoughts, but that is just what thoughts do. they intertwine. the ego wants to put its hand in things. she said you could be rowing out on a lake with some fog. you see a boat fast approaching, you scream, but it’s too late and hits you. you’re screaming that the guy is an idiot, a cheap bastard, and so on . . . then you notice that the boat is empty. you have no one to blame. blame is empty.
if you are not at peace you cause most of the damage to yourself.

dreams:

1. led a kirtana (singing and dancing in a temple) emotionally charged but ego centered. concentrated mostly on how the crowd would respond to what I was doing, not on the devotional aspects. I was conscious of this as I was performing and hated it, but there was nothing I could do. as the crowd danced ecstatically I realized they were the ones with the power and sincerity. they hardly could tell I was even there.

2. my family and I were put on a plane that was meant to crash. we went down, but survived. I was hurt that someone plotted such a thing and spent the rest of the dream searching after them to find out why. was I out to return the favor?

3. there is no 3.

Advertisements

early morning friday notes

a half day
of work
then a
trip to
see my
wife’s family
out in WV
not looking
forward
to the drive
I don’t know if
my body is
up for it

hope for
no tire blow outs
I can
hope myself
breathless

I guess this
writing
is
an attempt
at something

it is not
a mystery
that this
is an
event
to clarify
what is
blurred

“If I don’t write
I don’t exist
to anyone.”

so, hi
I’m back from
the dead
it was
dreadful
you can’t
expect much
from
such dull days

this is what
vipassana meditation teaches:
sit still and sit tight
sit there and be quiet
then: notice what’s going on
around you
and in you
don’t attach emotions to
what you notice
mentally label the events
hearing the bus go by
hearing the bus go by
hearing the bus go by . . .
label the thoughts . . .
fear, fear, fear
anger, anger, anger

separate yourself
from the irritations of the mind
don’t let your emotions
dictate the response

she says this…
notice what begins inside
you don’t have to act on it
the mind doesn’t
have to linger on it

you want to get it down
to where you have
a choice again

you know how you just
blurt out something
and wind up
regretting it later?

sit down and watch
what is going on

make this a habit
in the day, do this too
do it all the time
wake up
be awake
stop sleep walking

everything in a constant
state of change
what can you
possibly
hold on to?…

these notes spring forth while I’m rushed for time. still I let them be. you can have them. they’re yours now.

thoughts

Rollins wrote something to the effect of – Money can’t buy happiness? Why the hell can’t it? With money you can buy up your time and go somewhere else for a whole year if you want, spend that time alone and expand your mind.

That’s the kind of money I want.

Others get bloated and kill themselves with their money, hire servants down to doing their thinking for them. That’s not for me.

Why hire servants? Why hire servants and call them assistants? Why demean other human beings?

I’m speaking of ideals here. As you “grow” you start to justify why you’re getting bloated with needs, with more things. Pull more people in and be surrounded by them, get their attention. You die with the night, alone. Someone once said, Depression is a death of the mind.

You choose a lesser rebirth. You choose it, period. Maybe someone persuades you, but you make the final choice. Rich man, rich woman – knock, knock. Time is short, money comes and goes. You’ll never get your future RIGHT. Worry about now.

I think like many – oh when I get the money, I’m gonna use it right. When I have kids, I’m going to treat them right. When I . . .

I keep waiting for a future that never comes out right. I keep waiting for someone to come along and hand me something better.

I was sitting in traffic as a kid and I pointed at this car, saying how it looked cool, futuristic. He said – Fuck the future.

Valuable words. Some people shake things up, even if it’s just for that moment. Shake things off. Shake off illusions. Where is wisdom?

In you. In now. No where else.