asthma session

Went back to DC. What a mistake that was. I hung around for a half hour, got something to eat, got back on the beltway and headed back home. DC’s got nothing on Roanoke. Half way through, my back tire blows out and I’m stranded in the pitch blackness, no flashlight. A cop has to come with his flash light and help me out with the donut tire. When he first gets there he’s screaming at me “I don’t know you! Get back in the car!” That whole deal. I knew I was in for some bullshit. Overall he was okay towards me. Car shakes violently for a bit, then gets its act together and rolls smooth at 50 mph. I get a water, and about an hour later pull off at a rest stop and sleep with a pillow slightly over my face to block the lights. Finally I make it home at 5am. Everything is hell to me these days. I’ve gone underground in a personal crisis that I won’t talk to anyone about. It puts lemon in everything. You might think that sounds nice, but if you’re stuck on an island with nothing but lemons, you start to lose it. I’ve past lost it. I’m a new goddamn person, not for the better, either. Sorry to say.

Well, asthma has me up and reaching out for another livejournal entry, for some bizarre reason. Maybe I’ll write here more regularly, I don’t know. What do I possibly have to say to people, I mostly ask myself.

going through
the grief
wondering
if I’ll
ever make
it through
in retaliation
my mouth
says
all the worst
shit possible
I should
keep it shut
and strategize
something
or let some
of it go

I think my depression almost got me killed out on the road this weekend. Running back to DC, my past, was no good. Every particle in the air there was screaming: “Get the fuck out! We don’t want you back!” There was something very sinister about the place. Roanoke is so different and I feel so lucky to be here. What a great wake up call!

Pushing 2am. Let me tell you, I’ve been keeping a steady journal to myself, writing every day, getting really into it. Listening to tons of music on my new iPod. So those are some positive things. On the work front, the work comes in much heavier these days and this has me on my toes. Most of it I can handle, and I’ve gotten much faster. I understand a lot more about the place, try to stay out of everyone’s business. A 40 hour work week, however, will always be a crime on humanity. Whatever it takes, if those twin towers don’t get rebuilt, or whatever, then so be it. Let some sky open up. Get some rest.

Over the weekend I finished up watching the Sopranos’ 4th season. People have talked ill of this season. It’s different, but so are all of the seasons, and this one is definitely good. This is, after all, HBO programming, not your standard NBC or Fox bullshit. Make way for the season finale of Six Feet Under coming up next Sunday! Buffy closed out pretty well, I thought. Let’s just see how Spike is going to revamp from dust and make the crossover to Angel in September.

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time

Spring and the rain and the busy days pushing down on me with the fist of death and brushing my teeth from the food on my breath, feeding myself again, flowing. Knowing … there’s nothing else I can do, for now. I behave like a self-made soldier. It’s my own cause, one man for himself. Up early so no one else will fool me. Go into work and crush. This is under my breath. Try to enjoy what you do, take slow breathes in stressful steps. Panicking, breaking down and crying. No good.

May isn’t February. My time being cut off and just 30 seconds I have to look into and see the worth of. Can I see it as something positive? What does this spell for me?