thoughts and open notes

these word lists
and poems
suit a wonderful
purpose
b/c they cut
straight to
the point
don’t have to
properly finish
or even
begin a
sentence
and before you
know it
you’re on
to the next
guess that’s
the muse
working in
your favor
when you feel
that it actually
flows
not me, not me
I don’t feel it
very often
but when I do
I’m so psyched
I’m practically
hyper about it
and become
quite talkative
until I lose my
voice
I know that
I can talk too
much
or let too much
information out
once it’s out
it’s out, too
can’t pull it back
and make anyone
forget it happened
so be
very careful

my simple structures
I see what is going on
but don’t always
explain it
for different reasons

if I want an auspicious
future I must
live like an auspicious
person in the present
or at least imitate
until it becomes
the real thing
for me
I don’t write
about drinking
and how it
makes me
a dancing fool
b/c I don’t drink
I don’t like what
alcohol does to a person
but I can dance
and make the
biggest fool out of
myself regardless
I have many different sides
I suppose
but not enough hours in the day
hours needed for rest
clash with the hours I need
for writing here, and overall
personal time and space
to get things done
and build up a positive life
drinking carrot juice
and learning to love God and Truth
in the most natural, humble, and real way ever
and leave everyone else
the hell alone

we’re moving again.
this time it’s the shortest move ever.
it’s to the apartment across the hall from us
it’s bigger and has an extra room with all sorts of
closet space, only costing $45 more
this weekend we’ll carry stuff over and
be moved in completely probably by
Saturday afternoon.
wish us luck with that,
Casey and I, and our cat and kitten

more later on samurais, work conditions, MP3 collecting, reading, gearing up for winter, shopping at Kmart, driving, walking, talking with others, dealing with anger, hanging things on hooks (that fall out), sore eyes, cleaning, doctors appointments, eye infections, cooking, video games, television, job hunting, poetry readings, marriage, sleeping, jazz, politics and war, desiring more seclusion, and so on. let us see. with love, Glenn

starting to wonder
if I’m being hypnotized
by the computer&TV
all my time and
eyesight drawn
into it
while books
collect dust
I look up
11 hours later

no making sense any more

log in
test
God have
mercy
on my soul
rest
test test
this is best
prayer time
nap this into
oblivion
the kind of
silence
that gets
you into
trouble

late notes

I feel like
such a stranger
some of the time
having been away
from this journal
the lights are
bright in
my face
I’m dropping those
clinical drops
to relieve my
eye infection

been losing weight
thought today
about those
Weight Watchers
diets
they eat crap throughout
the day
and one “sensible meal”
in the evening
for a snack it’s like
here’s your banana
and a glass of water
now shut the fuck up

I feel low for myself
but a step up
above all that.
in the place they
were asked
and they answered
“yes, I’m a smoker”
quite shamefully
I was shaking my
head
they know consciously
they’re digging
graves just too fast
I see these young kids
do the stupidest shit
and it makes me
feel proud
I abstained like
a mature person
even in my teens
I have a clearer head
for it
and I try to push
myself every day

where to go with this
unsure. I just
listen to music, talk to
friends online,
and go to bed.

evening note

time away from work is the best thing in the world for me. I was sick throughout the day with allergies, and what better way to spend it than sleeping in bed and recovering? think I would have gotten through it at work? I woke up and went on another walk out in this amazing neighborhood, then took Casey out on a drive. slow, looking at houses, thinking one day we’ll be able to buy one. for now we must buy cat food and write small lists, and read books.

lunch

hello from the lunch table. hello again, it’s me, lunch – from the planet luncheon. not all is well until break at noon. apple juice is good for sipping. I thank you for the taste buds. being on time is just not all that important to me any more. they ask what I’m thinking when I’m quiet, if it’s something volatile.

you float back up dead to the surface

I don’t think it’s any coincidence we named our new kitten “Kala” (Maha Kala) after Lord Siva, all devouring Time personified. Time certainly seems to be swallowing up my life whole these days. or not whole, but bit by bit, minute by minute, download by download. for two nights I’ve sat quiet and meditated. meditation consists of something personal for each guy, so I cannot say for sure what it is on an absolute scale. for me, being quiet and being in quiet is the most important thing, since work attempts the slaughter of peace of mind.

my eyes sting
no trouble
missed this
appointment
opportunity
reschedule
achievement
oriented
each job in
the classifieds
I looked for
something
quiet
where I
wouldn’t
have to talk
to people

it’s not that I don’t want to talk to people, it’s that they want me to overdose on talking to people. the whole “paper” is full of that. nothing solitary. I will keep praying for solitude. it’s not like it’s something easily attainable, like “I want solitude and I want it now,” and suddenly you turn around and it’s there, next to the box of cereal. ah, maybe you have some bleeding left. maybe you have to create the solitude from yourself, from wreckage. when you get to solitude, I imagine, more is possible. enlightenment.

I would like to read more. and I have been this week. Thomas Merton, Henry Miller, Alan Dugan. a great reverence for the books and the time spent with them, I’ve found really enhances the experience. the other kids go out drinking. I don’t see how they do it. I do. actually, it’s like not reading, which I know all about. it’s like taking that “not reading” to new lows, and staying there. delving into that deep ocean of a cruel world. you float back up dead to the surface.

I need more
sleep
don’t know if
I’ll ever get it

get up and
have breakfast
joke around
the work place
because it’s
the only way to make it through
that I’ve found

meditation or
medication
you decide
give that choice
to your doctor
and you’ll be
walking sideways
they always
give you the
nutrasweet
and punch
you in the
back of the head
on your way out
how much of
yourself
are you willing
to give out

I write
give of myself
and at the
same time
give of you
give of
a lot of people

listen
drive slower
if you can
live longer
if you can
eat better
if you can
I’m saying
do more
than just
think about it

I watch less TV
the urge may
come back
but then again
a good habit
could form
quiet cricket
evenings
air conditioner sounds
water dripping from
the ceiling in
five places
that gets deducted
from our rent
so I can buy
some more
books on Ebay
or who knows

I know I’m rambling
I also know
I’m stopping

new grey member

thinking of what we’ll name the new kitten. our friend from the apt. upstairs came down and offered us an abandoned dumpstered kitten. then she brought the little bibby down a few minutes later, all grey like Rudra, but twenty times smaller. they hissed at each other for about ten minutes and we decided to give it a go. Rudra backed smallhead into the corner and had his eyes all tweaked out looking. I was tripped out on that and snapped quite a few pictures. tomorrow morning he comes down and begins his new life with us. for now, nameless. us laughing at him lovingly. for now, they hate each other. big threat and little threat. little grey comedians. I get such joy of life when I stay at home. damn the world for pulling me from it.

new grey member

thinking of what we’ll name the new kitten. our friend from the apt. upstairs came down and offered us an abandoned dumpstered kitten. then she brought the little bibby down a few minutes later, all grey like Rudra, but twenty times smaller. they hissed at each other for about ten minutes and we decided to give it a go. Rudra backed smallhead into the corner and had his eyes all tweaked out looking. I was tripped out on that and snapped quite a few pictures. tomorrow morning he comes down and begins his new life with us. for now, nameless. us laughing at him lovingly. for now, they hate each other. big threat and little threat. little grey comedians. I get such joy of life when I stay at home. damn the world for pulling me from it.

“I talked to Sonam Kazi about the “child mind,” which is recovered after experience. Innocence – to experience – to innocence. Milarepa, angry, guilty of revenge, murder and black arts, was purified by his master Marpa, the translator, who several times made him build a house many stones high and then tear it down again. After which he was “no longer the slave of his own psyche but its lord.” So too, a Desert Father came to freedom by weaving baskets and then, at the end of each year, burning all the baskets he had woven.”
– from The Asian Journal of Thomas Merton, pg. 84

“I talked to Sonam Kazi about the “child mind,” which is recovered after experience. Innocence – to experience – to innocence. Milarepa, angry, guilty of revenge, murder and black arts, was purified by his master Marpa, the translator, who several times made him build a house many stones high and then tear it down again. After which he was “no longer the slave of his own psyche but its lord.” So too, a Desert Father came to freedom by weaving baskets and then, at the end of each year, burning all the baskets he had woven.”
– from The Asian Journal of Thomas Merton, pg. 84