some dog chewing off your ear while you’re asleep and dreaming of Johnny Carson and Ed McMahon

we can decide to put ourselves in prison. by our subconscious actions we can beg for a mercy killing. laugh at me. I can smell the cow dung from the fields. I don’t know where I’ve been. what do you have to say for yourself? I’ve been out getting punched in the eye. once was punched in the ear. the pain killed. tomorrow is Thursday. it is already Thursday. time is merciless. in prison they’ll say, one piece of advice for you: don’t smile. yeah, don’t smile if you’re scared. don’t to make them feel comfortable. if you’re nervous deal with it in your head, complain in your head and don’t spill your guts out all over the place. people are hungry. people are animals. they’re ready to disembowel you as it is. maintain some composure. self confidence.

do you have any free time this week? this place is marked as a restaurant, but you go in and try to order, they just throw knives at you. it’s not all so simple. it’s not as simple as school. it’s not as simple as cracking the books. the storm wants to take your house away from you. the street is marked with lines you can’t stay between. there is plenty of drinking water, but you choose the downward spiral. you make it too late for yourself. I’m sorry for you off and on. if you’re going to kill yourself, why ask my opinion? it’s an insult to my current struggle. it’s not all struggle, just mostly struggle. there are some things that make me smile, when the lights are out, when no one is looking. I hide what I can.

I push that getting by thing. why just get by? keep hearing about that other unused 90% of the brain. I keep pushing that, trying to tap in. read over the lines of text, push my body a little, kill the lethargy, give myself something to do or the idle time will make a meal of me and my qualities. why not be proud of who you are? not in a disgusting way, but be a solid person. I’m sure God wants the best for you. I’m just rattling this off, so forgive me if it’s irritating. I don’t talk to many people these days. it gives me something to do.

tomorrow I’m going to check out a poetry reading in the city. I’m looking forward to it and may start back up on that in the future. it’s as good an outlet as any. maybe even better. I suppose things will start to fall in place. from there I can start thinking about kids, because time is putting its hand on my shoulder. I just need a little more time, that’s all. time, please be kind to me. yes, he says he will, even signs off on it. time will find a loophole.

let’s find that
kid who
punched you
in the eye
it wasn’t
a person
who did this
so just
let it
rest
no, we wanna
know
okay okay
then it was
one of those
guys from
Full House
tell ’em I sent you

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questions

what do you remember? what is all in your head? what are you holding? holding onto? what is it you should let go? what do you feel from others? how do they make you feel? do you know who you should avoid? what do you see? can you see beyond you? can you foresee the future? what kind of dreams are you having? does it feel like you’re being guided? does it feel like God? do you feel like you’re on an up and down cycle in your life, like you keep coming and going in your beliefs or inner desires? do certain books keep calling you back over the years? are you happy in your relationships? is your job killing you? or do you have too much time on your hands? do you not know what to do with yourself? do you feel weak? have you let yourself go? do you write any more? do you start feeling what it’s like to become old finally? do you take care of yourself? what do you think about? when you talk to someone does it come out all wrong? do you wish you had something better to tell them? don’t you want to pass onto them something besides gossip or complaints about life? how many years do you think you have left? will your life be long or short? do you think you’ll start settling more and give up the struggling? is that what you want? do you think that will be for the best? or is it better to crawl across this planet with some dignity? remember what this one guy said? comfort sucks. is it because it compromises you? can you read other people’s minds? can you feel what they’re feeling? if not, do you want to? what good will it do if you develop that ability? is it completely selfish to want this? well, it’s inside of you, so why not try to get back what was already there, right? when is your birthday? what do you know about numerology and all that? what is your name? who are you? what defines you? where do you work, go to school? who are you married to? who are your parents? what street do you live on? what are your favorite records, foods, TV shows? how many pairs of shoes do you have? does that cover everything?

punched out left window

late. who is this I’m talking to? okay.

headache and pain in the eye. it’s all common now. remember when I was worried? well I’m not worried any more. the pain is back.

at night I lift the 20 lb. weight and welcome the pain because it makes the body stronger. I do as many push ups as I can, and remember to breathe. when I force myself to breathe it becomes easier. nature has punched my left window out.

she says, when you’re thirsty that means you’ve been dehydrated for quite awhile. I think of most people and how I don’t trust them. we don’t communicate well. I only talk a lot to people I think can handle it. I’m quiet to most people.

I layed back in bed tonight and cleared my thoughts, listened for voices, anything that was outside of myself. the deep voice of an old black man said to me, where is the son? I said back, I don’t know. I still don’t know. who was he talking to? what did he want? what was he trying to pass on? I think I’m the kind of person to be trusted. I don’t hang around much, get in anyone’s business. mostly I want to know what you’re reading, what you’ve learned, etc. I want to be completely relaxed like I was earlier tonight. get the whole world out of your system.

disjointed

so much time
is wasted
out on the
porch
asking everyone
how old they are
as if that’s
interesting conversation
come on

that misplaced feeling

once my dad
almost
lost me at
an air show
I didn’t know
who I was
at all
back then

I have a better sense now
it is best
to be alone
most of the time
you can get
more done
that way

I like to talk when
I have an idea
but usually not
for the sake of
talking itself
what’s the worst
is talking about
other people
talking about
boring fallen off people
murderous family members
these old psychos

I know I’ll
never be
like them
I just know it

intervals of sleep

I was awakened today by the sound of a nuclear missile hitting in the valley. once I jumped across the bed and was in the middle of the bedroom floor screaming like a dying madman, the sound passed and we were okay. it turned out only to be a jet flying way too low. still I turned on the television to check and see if there were any insane developments, but there weren’t. they’re still talking about the Chandra Levy remains, understandable.

I couldn’t really go back to bed by this time, so I showered and as planned, went to a movie. it was a good one. Insomnia. Al Pacino is one of my all time favorites. to me the moral is plain and simple – flat out don’t lie. be as truthful as you can about everything. be strong like that. when you lie you screw things up. the lie expands and comes back for you, blows up in your face, hurts people, kills people (especially in movies). what you might think is a small lie can do a lot of damage. so you have to ask yourself is really worth it? are you really getting ahead? can you live with yourself knowing you cheated? does it really make you feel safe or superior to have a secret? all it takes is one person to find out and you’re an instant slave. until next time, stay honest and away from nuclear missiles.

Delaware

humph. that’s all you can say? hell, I’m not holding you hostage, you can go if you wanna go. no, that’s all right, I’ll stay. no big deal. all right then. so let me tell you, I just bought these baseball cards. yeah, no fooling. I was watching the shopping network, one of my favorite pastimes, you gotta check it out sometime, it’s such a gas. well, I just couldn’t turn it down. it was such a steal. all those baseball cards! I mean, one guy is going like this. he’s picking up the ball. I couldn’t turn it down. I don’t know what is wrong with me. I just couldn’t. man, when these babies come in the mail, you’re gonna be so jealous. there’s no way in hell I’m even gonna wait. I wonder where the warehouse is. you think’s it’s in Delaware? you wanna go to Delaware with me?

meteor showers pick no favorites

lay on your back under the covers and allow yourself this guided meditation. close the bedroom door. be alone. listen to my voice. breathe well, in and out quite slowly. after breathing like this for awhile, imagine this white light hovering over you, not burning you to a little burnt crisp or anything, but radiating the brightest joint you’ve ever seen. it has a pretty decent warmth. dig on that for awhile. oh, and you’re at your favorite place, a little private beach or something, lots and lots of blue water, picnic tables, the absolute resort. and guess what, you’re staying. you’re not coming back. so whatever calls you gotta make, make ’em now. say your goodbyes. it’s just you out there. we’ll send a life guard in two weeks. what are you in here for? don’t answer him. they wanna see if there’s any kindness in you so they can rip it out of your spleen. they’re in the process of basing some movies on your life. the outside world feeds on this. you get this desperate, they build an empire on the excitement of it. you don’t see any money from it. you make the streets bloody with it. you think you’re making them pay for it. anyway, meteor showers pick no favorites. that’s your solace.

outcry as policeman punches child

“…Television pictures of a policeman punching a child in the face have shocked viewers in Russia. The image was captured in Vladivostok, as police attempted to deal with a picket staged by fishermen and their families. The footage shows a policeman involved in angry exchanges with one of the protesters, a young mother carrying her daughter in her arms. As the argument continues, the policeman advances and lashes out with his fist, punching the child in the face.” full article

my own input is only that some cops out there are like wild animals. they simply cannot be trusted. I hope they’re all exposed for what they really are. and soon.

notes

things are real chilled out and lonely around here. I didn’t expect the loneliness really. I thought I had a handle on it back in DC, but it has a different vibe here. isolated. I push myself as hard as I can to keep myself busy. to get along with everyone, avoid petty arguments, do good work, etc. in a way you can take yourself too seriously.

I’m probably repeating myself. after all, there aren’t too many big events. I put the new plates on the car today. how do you like that? I’m a certified driver again. look out! I’ll race you to the Exxon station and back. then we can sit on the front porch and wave at the neighbors. how does that sound?

what about movies? oh yeah. well, I’m about half way through Fargo. it’s my first time seeing it, believe it or not. I’ve always heard good things about it. sometimes it’s good to be a little behind with stuff like this and appreciate it on your own by yourself.

I can tell you’ve had an amazing, happy childhood, and everyone around you loves and supports you. I am so happy for you. whenever I see you, I feel so amazing. thank you for being you. I’ll apologize for this world, since it won’t itself, for exposing you to all the murder and power struggles. I pray it won’t break your spirit. you’re one of the good ones.

dating on television (right the wrongs)

“you know how some people say, I can see you with kids someday? well, the problem is, that someday, I can’t even see it. I can’t see myself existing at all. I just don’t feel it. I don’t even think I’ll be around.” she doesn’t listen well.

she doesn’t have answers. she has scripted sentences. she can’t say what she really means. she’ll find herself trapped inside a mute body. she’ll be searching to find a man who can finish her sentences for her. “thank you. thank you. yes, that’s it. you say it better than I do.” she’ll learn to love sports for him.

“I think about death every day. it’s not an unhealthy obsession. I just think about it. it’s a blessing. life is too short, you know?”

poems

you know,
small details

I promise I promise
to keep my
grades up
I forgot to mention
however
that I
don’t go to school no more

what is the matter
besides the constant
threat of
world destruction
over your head?
really, what was
ever guaranteed to you?
nothing
you don’t have
even the
next five minutes
you better
recognize

I could
be doing
nothing
but something
in me tells
that it’s best
I keep busy
and produce
so here
are words
from my head

I don’t look down
anymore
I want to look
so hard
into that camera
I want it to break
I’ll lose
my eyesight
in the lens

I do these push ups
then I increase them
as I get stronger I realize
I could have my back
more straight as I’m
closing in on the ground
then this number decreases
I’m getting
more correct
and I’m breathing better

you are so married
I can tell you
a little danger
don’t stop being
your whole self
don’t start depending
on someone else
to do all these things
for you
you can wash your
own clothes and cook
your own food
you can be glad to
do it

so motherfucker
why don’t you
break out of that
married MAN mentality
and get to work for yourself

don’t
wait
to
read

angered
damn
it’s my
own blood
poisoning me
I stay
alive
and fight
the poison

expand

spending more time now trying to pinpoint weakness and then devise of ways to eradicate it. thinking of memory. I want to store an entire address book inside my head. I want to store all of that job info in my head. that way I can fill out job applications on the spot, and do it fast. I can go from place to place knocking one out right after the other. memorize poems to read in coffee shops, or to anyone who cares to listen. I want to strengthen that part of myself. I want to strengthen my body so that if it comes up, I’ll be in good enough shape to lay bricks if I have to. my mind has to be sharp. it has to be brave. solid. the heart is up for the changes. expand. I’ve got what, maybe 40-50 years left? knock my lights out a few more times. I can take it.

this enemy

finding my place. keeping myself busy. keeping my mind busy. working. I’ve thought it over, I don’t have a problem with work. I clean up my own mess in the house, I do some stretches, lift some weights, do some push ups. all necessary things. put pen to paper. memorize lists, phone numbers, other things, names. read these books all over the house. books call out to me. books from 1991 must be reread or finished up. I still have Dostoevsky’s The Idiot to get through. I dropped it in the middle. a bad habit.

hardly have anyone to talk to. it’s like I imagine if I were in prison, and then in prison I were thrown into solitary confinement – I would have to work extra hard to keep from going insane. sit there in the dark and go into deep worlds of thought. the mind is working, pushing the body. and the world, the enemy, I call it the enemy, it wants to put me to work, crush me real good. sometimes it doesn’t see that I’m the one who’s pushing myself, and that’s when I excel the others. I yell at myself before they get a chance to yell at me. I have that yelled at look. so they don’t even bother. that gets me through. stone stare through fucking brick wall solid concrete concentration. eyes are sore from staying open and alive in this world. that’s the way a young man gets. he grows through the world and has sore parts.

lift 5000 pounds across two days of terrain and don’t tell anyone. parcels delivered. a community’s pillar.

there is work, prayer, meditation, play, music appreciation, physical training, writing, reading, movie watching, contemplation. keep busy, free as possible from the depression that devours. I think it’s unhealthy to deny depression, but to be taken over by it means to be set back. I’ve had enough of that.

help me get through this enemy
cough and congratulate
I am spelling
and spelling at high speeds at that
compose your best
purposeful list
and present it to
the next publisher
you encounter
he will promise you a call
which you’ll
get a sick stomach over
waiting
as if that
was really your shot
as if unpublished
and undistributed
you’re really nowhere

this enemy is so
accomplishment oriented

maybe it is better
not to be known
and just eat apples
till my dying day

some news

124 degree heat wave in India. 638 people died, birds dropped out of trees. I’m just reading threw the news. most of it is always bad. but I have to read it because I was born here. other news: cold chill in the house. our town won’t pick back up into the 70s for at least a few more days. irregular sleeping patterns sweep the household. we find our favorite things. I’m into all things psychic. she’s into the health food store. he’s into his new cat treats and has new sleeping spots where he crashes for hours on end. I carry my book around. news, a world view, an outlook. I dream I’m cussing under my breath. you can’t take it back? what did you say? what did you say? I didn’t say nothin to you. excuse me, sir. and I leave. what’s done is done.