where are you?

I have been spending time elsewhere, writing in my private journal, working on the new book, meditating in my head, the good truths, promises, etc. I hope everyone is well, I feel very disconnected, isolated, and all I want these days is some peace and quiet. I think I will have that soon. sickness or sudden depression can cloud over the mind and body in a second, but also a good book can come in the mail, or a set, or I could just get a swig of water and instantly I am refreshed. I come from lifting the weight a little bit and doing a few exercises. if you ask me little questions I will answer them. what is your favorite color? titanium. or a color that shines. my cat is my favorite animal, but I like the sincere birds, green frogs, ducks, and seeing eye dogs. what were your favorite toys as a child? I collected autobots and decepticons and wanted to be religious but spent my time across the street playing king of the hill instead; we were rough kids, though not always the strongest. still, the most determined. when did your mind start to develop? I think early, in the womb. where are you now? I’m on the bed in my room typing on my Powerbook, next to me is my copy of EJW Volume 7, Rudra is sleeping on the chair curled up sleeping, Casey is on her G3 in the other room. anything else? yeah, do you get on Ebay? yes, I’m bidding on a saint’s biography. are you aware of the time? I am.

uneventful note

welcome back but
next time don’t take so long
what can I say?
my eyes are stinging
from?
from the Tiger Balm
and I guess
just from being
tired here in
the evening
obviously not much
news to report
these days
I should come back
later to write more
when my hip is not
killing me
that should be better

Sunday notes

I am better with the small time
than the big time
the weekend time
of course I prefer this
but I do not use it
all to the best
of my advantage
it is usually
Monday morning
when I feel I could
use just that one
extra day
and I would be
more settled in
with myself
and would make
the most of
that day at home
then it is
too late
and you
have to get
used to
the city again
riding the trains
all the way in again
crossing the bridge
all the routine things
perfecting both
just doesn’t seem
possible
perfecting any of it
just doesn’t . . .
so you hang on
accept it
in humility
that the
perfection of
spiritual pursuits
does not
come easy
not like
a broadband
internet connection
this is
where you
work on yourself
it was easier
to turn away from
that
but the pain comes

this is vague generalized
religious rambling
more clear:
soda water is
not desirable
I compare a day
to a life span
what you think of now
you dream of and
run from later
slip out of consciousness
and into another
death
and in the morning
rebirth
readjusting
hardly making it
out of bed
blurry vision
you wanna get
back into bed
but you’re called
into the world

then drink water instead
lighten up on the sugar
live simply
live for reading
so that
you can live for prayer
prayer can
soften you to
help others
or you should pray for that
in prayer you
can confess that
you think
mostly sinful thoughts
and have your
material world battered experiences
you can confess
you fess up
con-fess
fess up to
the cons you think you pull
the violence you’ve caused
the pride in spring when
the suffering is eased
and you
own the street you
walk down (out of jubilation)

fade out & update: Tiger Balm is working well on my hip, relieving the pain. hardly anyone, except for a few telemarketers have bothered us with their calls. of course friends are always welcome to call – but I’m just saying that the house is nice and quiet and outside too hardly is there any noise. so there should be no excuse for getting our reading mucked up.

pain

the reader is along for the ride on the small things too. I think for the whole trip I will complain about the pain that has built up in my right hip this past week. of course I won’t go for the doctor about it. they’re just for conversation. I’d rather go to a psychiatrist and have them psych it out of me. Satur-day & Satur-night. that weekend time. the rolling of the holy names out of the mouth. it is a small attempt from a dire situation. but there is no limit as to how far Lord Caitanya will reach down and rescue.

shifting sitting so the pain will be tricked. drug it or sleep it, or focus it in meditation, I don’t know. thought I’d say something. get it out in the open and move on to better things. damned hip. I sleep through the night it is fine. then in the day I walk at least a mile or two guaranteed, which doesn’t help. I can’t seem to move on right now. . .

looking back to a sheet of paper

do I need hip replacement at
this young age?
it is killing me
the stinging of it
I guess from
days and days of sitting
on it wrong
poor posture as they say
it’s no joke
I was brought up
in the fear of
bumble bees and
especially wasps
but not
the fear of God

I think fear is the
wrong expression
anyhow
it should more
be like… reverence
well, at least I had
my interest peaked
a spark lit up
within me
a young boy in
Annapolis visiting
his grandparents
who liked ducks
and rode his
big wheel on
the driveway
and sometimes out
in the street
I would throw
rocks from the path
down into the canal
and she said to me
not to do it or
it would eventually
fill up
I did it anyway
when no one was
around and
worried one day
I would be found out
because the boats would
be pushed up onto
the grass and dry up
they would know who
to look for
even the ducks
they all would
be furious
I would hide in
my treehouse

oceans movement

pictures of my bookcase
yes, looking at it
I find it soothing
call me strange
it doesn’t matter
I tell them in
a speech
I was spawned
last year’s Halloween
and no one noticed
you all are here
just for the food anyway

the winds are heavy
I am in
a good mood
for all the things
that are over

this is my drudge report
I admit
I indulge in
just staying at
home and reading
these books
and praying
but it is hard work
sometimes to
concentrate
and sometimes
I get restless
I’m trying these days
not to stray too far from it
when it happens
you can actually fill
life up in this
I mean, wisdom

the wind is outside
making itself sound like the ocean
she brought up to me how great
it would be to go to Mexico or Paris
just anywhere for a vacation that
we could afford
and I thought how
we couldn’t afford any of it
not just for reasons for lack of money
but also that I’m trying
to settle into something new here
with a dedication to God
and I can’t afford
any sudden jolts
and of course the money
is running out
like an hour glass
but my cares are not in it
I have a good faith
a good reason to believe
we’ll get by just fine
if the endeavors
are sincere

in the meeting I introduce myself as . . .
it’s like I’m behind a mask
and my feet are
getting sore as hell
I’ve got chalk dust on my hands
they maybe want to know
what I’m about to say as
the other women talk for a bit
I will break the silence
and validate my presence there
I fine tune the situation in the background
and don’t want the spotlight
because you wouldn’t understand anyway
no happy hours for me either
I don’t dream of it
I guess it bothers me
to be the stranger in the midst of it
the lonliness of it but not alone enough
I don’t want people asking too many
questions about me
because I fear I’ll bore them
with something that is really not
that boring to me
that I’ll offend them with a
staunch attitude

metal trash cans outside rolling around in the ocean. I was awake one night, and for an instant I fell into sleep and the dream state where I was on my back in the ocean. in the middle of the ocean. it scared the hell out of me. kind of the way a satellite picture from outer space of the top of one of our cities like New York. mountains of course are massive and can be scary to me. I imagine how Arjuna looked upon the Universal Form of the Lord when it was revealed to him. It wasn’t a picnic.

the pictures are of buildings of planes of insides the guts of dwellings the minds of students the fears alcohol that ruined them. in the middle of the night he was in bed with his girlfriend asleep after drinking it all, and I don’t know exactly what happened, but what I heard is that he shat in the bed asleep like that and the bastard wasn’t even humiliated. he made her clean it up for him. he told her and she did it. he had the nerve. and she had no self respect. I keep playing that over in my mind, how she just accepted that, and how she continued to be with him.

the other stuff is not so interesting. I am glad for my headphones to drown out the noise. years ago when I didn’t even know any better, I put them on and walked around the block to chant a round. I had a love for both at the same time. it was out of innocence I think. ignorance, too. now I am a grown man and I close the door and sometimes say it out loud, please don’t let me have A.D.D., but let me concentrate on Your name that is holy.

cheers to stuff that ends. the bad stuff. the stuff in the way. let us take pictures in the morning of all the things we like. let us enjoy our friendships, and accrue wisdom of the most high. remove red from the eyes. remove or add blur as needed.

Sunday is clear

sunday I am sitting
on the bed leaned back
against the wall
with my head by
the window
light coming in
and a superbowl
ignored
because
because
I have better
things
to be
happier about
believe that
or don’t
believe that
reading and
sitting with
my wife
lunch is over
she wants to
go out and
get donuts
so far I
have chanted
4 rounds and
began a few pages
into EJW 6
and on my iPod
with headphones
I listen to good
lectures
pertinent topics
that I take
God wants me
to hear and absorb
stay “teachable”
that is
don’t let
doubt get in
the way
procrastination
or laziness or pride
if you feel it
happening to you
run to the books
quick and
open them
before the phone
rings or anything
that could interrupt
I feel
as soon as
you are reading
something spiritual
immediately
that is a
form of prayer
it is good to study
a chapter or section
but if you are
a desperate soul
then run
and open up anywhere
and hope God
will speak to you
chastise you
admonish you
lift you
heal you
any of it
the touch of God